Philosophical

But I want her love too…

I wish that we could be at least cool this summer.

But I guess it’s my fault that I don’t see that happening.

I wish I could come visit you everyday after my shifts and shows; or YOUR shifts. I wish you could come and see maybe all 9 of my consecutive weekly performances.

But I guess it’s MY fault.

I wish that you would see that good in my decisions instead of the bad. I wish that even though I am a waste of skin now, you could see something more than just a pleading heap of hopeless man.

But I guess it’s MY fault.

I wish that when June is well in, and school (for me) is well out, that we could spend random time at parks and venturing out of city and just being in each others presence. I promise if that were the case that I wouldn’t take your presence for granted. I would only expect to be near you in friendliness. I wish that we could get Rita’s or froyo or DQ or watch movies at Schenley together.

But I guess it’s MY fault.

I wish that we could play basketball or jog or work out or make food or pastries together. I wish you didn’t think I was a psycho, bipolar idiot, and that you could see it all real-for-real.

But I guess it’s MY fault.

I wish we could nap or sleep together and wake up in each other’s arms like we used to. I wish I didn’t feel desperate. But I guess this is how you felt and… of corse…

It’s MY fault.

I just wish, I wish, I wish.

But all of that is too good to be true. I don’t deserve it. And these are just dreams that wouldn’t make sense if they came true. Kinda like the powerball lottery, how everyone plays it, tries to get that $275+ million, but no-one ever wins it. Some farmer lady from Nebraska with no kids and a husband donates it all to charity. Some lady who you never heard of and if you tried to find her you’d realize she duden exist. And no-one in the world knows her. That’s what this feels like, I feel like your  trust is a lottery and I can’t win it, the odds are not in my favour and and someone random (at least random to me) is going to win you over and I will end up a fruitless bidder.

I can never have it. NO. Never. Never. Never. :( I love you Lele.

theshelbylife:

incestuous-lesbianponies:

laurarw:

I THOUGHT THIS WAS KIDDING SOGMLASG

HOLY SHIT

(Source: dont-blink-korra, via finalkissgoodnight)

I hate being a guy with learning, reading, comprehention, and social disorders. I hate being fucking depressed all the fucking time and I hate how I look down and up and the whole world passes me by! What do I do that other people don’t do? What don’t I do that they do? I feel so trapped… how can I persue what I want to persue when I can’t even commit to basic human abilities… I have a problem. When I talk to people, it seems like they have a hole in their head and I am a non-important by-stander. I want belonging, importance, and self significance. Maybe I should just give up… maybe this life is like resident evil, when the scientists made a woman that thought she was a real woman, but then she found out that she was a labrat, a prototype, a clone for society, a test to see if everything is ready for people to live in the post apocalyptic world… . I feel just like that, a damned lab rat… only the people I encounter in this world are fake programs, and the scients aren’t scientists, its god, playing around with a rat named me… seeing if he could put the real people in the picture. My life is a game. :””’(